Shame Spiral

This weekend I experienced a serious shame spiral. My new story came out and I happily shared it with my family and friends. Then I read it. I admit I submitted it long ago and have not really focused much on it since it was accepted for publication. I have spent many hours since I first submitted it writing, rewriting, and editing, so thankfully my editing skills are improving, but this makes me want to re-edit my newly published story. I just want to tear it to shreds, hone it down to something much more clean, but I can’t, at least not right now.

There is a lesson in all of this, though I am not sure if I can articulate it. Jose told me to lighten up, so that’s the easiest articulation of the great lesson. I think there is some kind of lesson in self-acceptance and “it’s the journey” kind of stuff. There must be some kind of lesson about taking myself too seriously (Lighten up!) and expecting perfection. As my sister Mary told me once many years ago, “How can you be good at something you’ve never done before?” I have learned a lesson in appreciation for all the artists who put themselves out there for criticism. I think of all my writer friends, my singer song writer nephew, the creators of television shows, my visual artist friend who puts her paintings on buildings, my dear friend who has danced in shows, at her church, and many other places. There is exposure and risk, pride and shame, in any undertaking where you share something publicly, whether you’re a novice or professional.